Give a Pat on the Back to Parents of Kids who are Autistic!

Parents of children with autism will never tell you that raising their child is easy…it’s not! I joke around, look for the silver lining, take things in stride, and present a smiley face to the world. However, raising my son, Steven, has been, and continues to be, an extremely difficult parenting challenge.

Memories of how hard it has been flooded back to me when my hubby and I went away for a romantic weekend at our little cabin in the woods of New Hampshire. With the sub zero weather whirling around outside, we were sitting on the couch sipping hot chocolate with lots of tiny, melting marshmallows. (Okay, maybe HE had some Kailua in his, but mine really DID just have marshmallows!) As the heat rose up from the small grate on the floor, I was transported back to the time when we first purchased the cabin. Because Steven had such severe sensory issues and taking him to a regular hotel for a regular family vacation would have caused a regular catastrophe, we sought out a calm location to which he could become accustomed. Thus, the family vacation cabin was born! He was only about a year old when we bought it, and he soon adapted well…he continued to wake at 4 in the morning to run around the house (which was carefully modified for safety.) He continued to refuse to eat any textured food, subsisting on cans of Chocolate Ensure. He continued to hide under the bed if any company came to visit, or if it was too windy out, or if the clock ticked too loudly or for a variety of other reasons known only to him. He would curl up in a ball under the kitchen table if there was too much noise, or light, or if he just plain felt like it. However, he also had the little pond behind the house where he could catch frogs, turtles and snakes for hours…HIS idea of a great vacation! In other words, he behaved just like he did at home! Our family vacation home was successful!

We enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, many years of quiet, restful activities on this little house in the woods. The only reminder of a behavior to which we could never accommodate… Steven’s self-abusive “episodes”…is a scar on his forehead. It has faded over the years and resembles a tiny tic-tac-toe board.

Last weekend, sitting on the couch enjoying my hot chocolate, I glanced over at the heating grate and shuddered, remembering the one time he was so out of control that he banged his head on the heating grate before we could restrain him. A hard, deliberate bang on the only dangerous spot in the house. It was a reminder that as hard as we tried to have a “regular” life with Steven, we could not always keep him safe…

That is not to say that this is a complaint. It’s more of an observation. Raising kiddos who are autistic changes a family’s life forever. If you know someone who has an autistic child, give them a pat on the back. They probably haven’t had an easy life…

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To read more about our life as a family, please read my book. Here is a link:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-apple-tree/id538572206?mt=11

The Apple Tree: Raising 5 Kids With Disabilities and Remaining Sane

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I had “THE” Talk with My Teenage Daughter

If you have been following my blog for a long time, you may know of my daughter, Marie’s, early trauma and severe abuse. When she came to live with us at the age of 7, she insisted that she was a boy, not a girl. She wore boy clothes and had a boy’s haircut. She even begged the pediatrician to sew a penis on her! Bless him for not being shocked, but for telling her that decision would have to wait until she was an adult.

Because she is deaf, she didn’t hear when I’ve called her my daughter and when I’ve used the pronoun “she”. It also didn’t seem to faze her that her name was a girl’s name. After the abuse she lived through, my goal as a mom has been to make her feel as comfortable with herself as possible. If having a crew cut and wearing boys’ underwear suited her, so be it.

Marie insisted she was male right up until she got her first period. At that point she conceded to me that she WAS really a girl, (no denying that fact,) but that she wanted to appear to be a boy so that no man would “hurt her”. This was understandably a clever accommodation on her part!

Enter Marie the teenager…and “THE” talk about sex… She brought the subject up as we were watching a teen movie on television where the heroine and hero kissed. Marie did most of the talking, (in American Sign Language of course,) asking me who was better for her to “like”, boys or girls. She said she has had childhood boyfriends and girlfriends, but that she didn’t know which she should “like” for a real mate whom she would someday marry. She looked at me with questioning, soulful eyes as I put on a brave face, pretending to be wise. The answer was simple, of course. I told her that she would end up finding a mate with whom she would feel comfortable having sex. SEX????? She signed, aghast. She wasn’t talking about SEX…..in fact, she was NEVER going to have sex….she just wanted to know whom she should marry! And just like that she dismissed my answer with a wave of her hand and went back to watching the movie….

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To read more about our life as a family, please read my book. Here is a link:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-apple-tree/id538572206?mt=11

The Apple Tree: Raising 5 Kids With Disabilities and Remaining Sane

Another Year, Another Memory

(cartoon reprinted from Readers Digest. Two angels are standing on Cloud 8 with the caption “Well yes, I’m happy. But I could be happier…) Don’t let this be you!

A new year has begun! Whoopee! I am so excited to see what great things the new year brings! I only have two annual New Year’s resolutions:
Resolution #1: I think back on last year, and am grateful for all of the wonderful little things that worked out well.

*Found out about Orange Leaf yogurt place where I could get healthy sugar free, non fat yogurt with my choice of toppings, m&ms, hot fudge (yum!), gummy bears, snickers and all the whipped cream I can fit!

*My daughter, Marie, has finally found a counselor trained in trauma and abuse who is fluent in American Sign Language. After all these years! FINALLY she is able to make some progress in this area. As her mom, I have been the only one she has confided in, and it will be nice to share that weight with a professional.

*I loved watching The Good Wife! And Storage Wars! And Survivor!

*I lost a pound and a half. Not quite my goal of 30 pounds, but at least it is in the right direction!

*I have two new grandchildren on the way with a whole lifetime to enjoy them. (Long live nana!)

*Another year accident free…where’s my check from Allstate?

*Another year major illness free! (The hubby had a bout with colon cancer a few years ago, but has been fine ever since surgery because it was caught early.)

*My daughter, Dinora, has a great new job, a fiance, and a cute little house.

*My son, Steven, (who has autism and ADHD,) has a wonderful new fiancee whose OCD keeps things structured and in place for him, stabilizing his disability. (There IS someone for everyone!)

*During several great movies, (The Butler, Gravity, and all of the Pixar films,) I ate plenty of buttered popcorn and jelly bellies. (Ahhhhh! May be the reason I didn’t loose more weight.)

*My son, Angel, who has Dissociative Identity Disorder, has miraculously made it through high school without seriously harming anyone. (Except for the refrigerator he overturned on a teacher…which turned out to be the teacher’s “fault”. In Angel’s IEP was the stipulation that he cannot be yelled at lest the “angry part”, over which he has no control or memory, comes out to protect him, a reflex reaction.) Life with Angel is quite interesting…

*Our cars, both over 8 years old and with more than 150,000 miles each, are still running and getting us places.

*My son, Francis, who, despite his blindness, is still making boatloads of money in the Silicon Valley computer industry. (On less child I have to support.)

*All in all, another successful year with more ups than downs.

Resolution #2: I look forward to the coming year with optimism and enjoyment. Hopefully it will be another successful year with more ups and downs, and I will make memories to put on my list for #1 next year!

Hopefully, your life will also have joy, happiness, love, and some interesting foods to eat!

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To read more about our life as a family, please read my book. Here is a link:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-apple-tree/id538572206?mt=11

The Apple Tree: Raising 5 Kids With Disabilities and Remaining Sane